Thursday, December 31, 2009
Twen-Ten Be Upon us.
2009: I had several three-ways and Rob Zombie was playing during said three-ways... Your move 2010.
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
A word in your ear...
Let's admit. There are words that irk people. Even the word irk. But recently i was asked the simple question of what my least favorite word is. I realized i couldn't come up with an honest answer there on the spot. So i told the man who had asked me that i need a while to think about it...
...and i thought...
The single word in the entirety of language that i hate the most, more than anything on this planet is...
Roasted.
That is all.
...and i thought...
The single word in the entirety of language that i hate the most, more than anything on this planet is...
Roasted.
That is all.
Sunday, October 18, 2009
On the subject of excrement...
This might sound wrong but...
I'm proud of my poop. I mean not like a father is proud of a child. But just the idea that the human body can create something so odd. It's just something you can take a step back, admire, and then never see again.
Today was just such an occasion.
Today I'm taking the Browns to the Super Bowl ( I know, that's like, grade-school funny) and i get up to do some paper work ( getting a bit funnier)...
*as a side note, for some reason i stand up and lean over to do so, i find it to be most comfortable. The only time it's awkward is when i'm in a public toilet, cuz i always think people are looking through the cracks, to a big guy standing up with his dick out, wiping his shitty ass... but i digress*
...I peer into the porcelain wonder-pot and i see a monster. It was a beast of a mud-baby. And I'm not talking about the mythical triple-coiler. This didn't coil at all. It was as straight as an arrow, and as long as a rolling pin. It segmented the bowl like it was separating the shit-water into two rival gangs.
This thing looked like, if Shaq had a child with Mr. Hankey...
...and i was the surrogate mother...
...i named it Magumphrey...
...right now it's making all the other poop in the sewer his bitch...
...and i couldn't be happier.
I'm proud of my poop. I mean not like a father is proud of a child. But just the idea that the human body can create something so odd. It's just something you can take a step back, admire, and then never see again.
Today was just such an occasion.
Today I'm taking the Browns to the Super Bowl ( I know, that's like, grade-school funny) and i get up to do some paper work ( getting a bit funnier)...
*as a side note, for some reason i stand up and lean over to do so, i find it to be most comfortable. The only time it's awkward is when i'm in a public toilet, cuz i always think people are looking through the cracks, to a big guy standing up with his dick out, wiping his shitty ass... but i digress*
...I peer into the porcelain wonder-pot and i see a monster. It was a beast of a mud-baby. And I'm not talking about the mythical triple-coiler. This didn't coil at all. It was as straight as an arrow, and as long as a rolling pin. It segmented the bowl like it was separating the shit-water into two rival gangs.
This thing looked like, if Shaq had a child with Mr. Hankey...
...and i was the surrogate mother...
...i named it Magumphrey...
...right now it's making all the other poop in the sewer his bitch...
...and i couldn't be happier.
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
Lookit how squiggly it is.
And of course, boobs.Hey kids, try this!
Instead of makin' pictures with the ol' camera, try usin' ze scanner, it's ever so much fun.
Friday, May 8, 2009
Best Lines from Deleted Scenes
Some of the funniest lines from movies sometimes never make it into the final product here are some of the best quotes from deleted scenes.
*Note: these are from memory, not verbatum. Don't tell me how to do things, ya testicle.
"Wake.Surf.Doobie.Chow.Party.Helmet.Sleep." - Forgetting Sarah Marshall
"Schindler's Piss. It could be in black and white, with penises and assholes highlighted red..."
"dude..."
"You're right, we'll go straight to hell for that." - Zack and Miri make a Porno
" It smells like the inside of a fake leg!" - Anchorman
" If you smell...what the PIMP IS COOKIN!" - Friday After Next
" Jazzercise? Why does your mom have an aerobics tape in her car?" - Mallrats
" If she told you to eat her puss, kiss her ass, lick her feet, chow down on her shit, nigger you'd aim to please." - True Romance
and of course...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1sLuNwIPXlI
*Note: these are from memory, not verbatum. Don't tell me how to do things, ya testicle.
"Wake.Surf.Doobie.Chow.Party.Helmet.Sleep." - Forgetting Sarah Marshall
"Schindler's Piss. It could be in black and white, with penises and assholes highlighted red..."
"dude..."
"You're right, we'll go straight to hell for that." - Zack and Miri make a Porno
" It smells like the inside of a fake leg!" - Anchorman
" If you smell...what the PIMP IS COOKIN!" - Friday After Next
" Jazzercise? Why does your mom have an aerobics tape in her car?" - Mallrats
" If she told you to eat her puss, kiss her ass, lick her feet, chow down on her shit, nigger you'd aim to please." - True Romance
and of course...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1sLuNwIPXlI
Monday, May 4, 2009
This is not what the title is.
Coming Soon: Twisted tales of sex, drugs and rock & roll. A skewed perception of the human condition through the eyes of the last gentleman. Tattoos and comics and drawings and disjointed ramblings with humor and sadness. Strap in. Strap on. It begins.
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